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i am a megalomaniacal genius whose every attempt at world domination is foiled by the unintentional interference of the hordes of imbecilic morons i am surrounded by and forced to mingle with. i am exacting my revenge via my blog, where i shall accost, insult, expose and embarrass them by sharing their stupidity with the online world. oh, and i will give bad, misleading advice to the unfortunate souls who write in requesting my wisdom in an attempt to expedite their visit from the angel of death and thereby eliminate one more mentally bereft obstacle from my path. finally, i intend to use my blog to amass my own personal army of willing morons whom i can exploit and abuse for fun and profit. kind of like rush limbaugh, except i am brilliant, gorgeous, beloved, and not addicted to opiates or spareribs. *this is a disclaimer. the contents of this blog are for humor and entertainment only. if you are delicate or have no sense of humor... leave. and die.

Monday, February 28, 2011


         I am sick of the unending whining and complaining about "tragic accidents".  Just had to put that out there right now.  I'm tired of some rich white teenage bitch tanking up on enough gin and Ecstasy to coldcock a moose, laying the entire lacrosse team, firing up the Lexus Coupe that her trouser-stain corporate criminal father bought her for her sweet sixteen (along with a diamond-studded douchebag), wrapping it around a utility pole on the the north 280 at 120 mph, and then having to watch her entire gated community mourn and demand to know "how could this have happened?!"  Uh, it happened because she was a whore and a drug addict whose trust fund cash is wrapped in plastic, shoved up some smuggler's asshole, and en route to some mid-level Colombian drug lord's safe deposit box.  See how the simple answer so often evades us?

     You see, you've gotta look at these things logically.  Some events are tragic accidents; some are accidents waiting to happen.  A nun gets pregnant off a toilet seat at St. Mark's... that's an accident.  Some alcoholic jack-off on parole bites the big one by emptying a bottle of port wine into his anus to try to pass his breathalyzer test?  That's what's called an inevitability, you morons.  And that's my complaint this month.

     So many losers make their own beds and then are shocked when destiny makes 'em lay in it.  And fat, undersexed housewives who sit in front of their television watching Oprah, shoveling Malomars down their faces, always have to start in with the tears and sympathy, bawling like a herd of milk cows with infected udders.  For instance, just recently in San Francisco, some jogging imbecile recently tried to run a marathon in 90 degree heat with no water and dropped dead before he even got near the finish line.  The crowd panicked and, when the dust was settled, the marathon's sponsors were blamed for not having adequate medical staff at the event.  Get real, you bunch of sniveling pussies!!  It was sweltering, it was strenuous, he ran, and he died.  GOOD!!  One less self-righteous, attention-hogging, granola-chewing health nut trying to convince me that exerting your heart unceasingly and unnecessarily is good for you.  If that's so, how come this dingleberry is dead, but every one of the gargantuan, cottage cheese thighed, walrus-like chuckwagons in the audience are still alive, clogged arteries, high cholesterol, fat asses, and all? Of course, if one of those behemoths had been nimble enough to outrun a sloth and get down to the track quckly enough to administer some CPR, our well-toned friend might still be running today.  And also, if perhaps he had spent more time being a lazy, overeating prick and less time trying to be Jack Lalaine (who FINALLY dropped dead, too, thank you) he would still be alive.  He'd be too fat to find his dick, but he'd still be lumbering around the chow line today.
     Here's another example of an inevitability being treated as a tragedy:  this past month in Denver, some Korean woman killed herself, her husband, and her two daughters when her SUV hit an ice patch, flipped over, and plunged off a mountain pass.  Tears were shed, lives were lost, and a community mourned as one.  Big fucking deal.  Please follow my train of logic for a moment before you recoil:  a sleep-deprived ASIAN WOMAN drives a vehicle notorious for turning cartwheels, on a mountain road, in the winter, in the dead of night, and kills herself and her two daughters.  Where's the surprise?  For those of you who still don't get it, here it is:  sleepy people can't drive for shit.  Women can't drive for shit.  Asians especially can't drive for shit.  SUV's are hard to handle even on pavement and in clear weather.  And Asians flush their daughters down the toilet or leave them in the dumpster anyway.  As for the husband?  Fuck 'em.  That's what he gets for deviating from the chauvinistic Asian tradition and letting his wife take charge.  No good deed goes unpunished.  And anyway, who really cares if an entire family got turned into Happy Family Takeout Meal #9 with special sauce and wonton rolls?  One less group of MIT graduates (or laundry attendants).

     The same goes for these megalomaniacal twats who give themselves anorexia and bulimia.  Who gives a crap if some self-absorbed fishwife turns herself into a breathing bag of bones because she wants to be thin?  Half of the world are having to engage in mortal combat with rats and cockroaches for whatever rotting grain or putrified dog flesh can be scrounged from the landfill, and these pampered princesses gorge themselves on fine foodstuffs and then deliberately regurgitate it.  Or they sit still in front of a perfectly prepared meal and stare at it till it turns to sludge.  What the hell kind of a disease is that!?  Who is stupid enough to feel pity for anybody who has made a disease out of avoiding eating?  What arrogance of these dipshit women (9 out of 10 of these losers are female) to think anyone gives a shit about how fat their ass looks?  Three billion other asses in the world for guys to ogle, but your ass is the only one that you think will get noticed?  Go choke on a chicken leg you bony bitch!  But if you must develop one of these "diseases", at least do the decent thing and get anorexia.  It's so much cleaner and quieter than bulimia and you neither hog the bathroom nor cause the unsuspecting chump who uses the it after you to have to smell your rotten bile and upchucked entrail goop.  If you won't have dinner, at least have a heart, you goofy-looking, skeletal skanks.

     Well anyway, time's just about up for this week.   If your feeble minds have learned anything this time around, let it be that you don't need to get all choked up when an inevitability occurs.  Whether it's Asians driving, gays operating the sperm bank, Blacks trying to swim, or Catholic boys going on weekend retreats with the cardinals, something bad is bound to happen.  Just roll with it, like the Asian family in the SUV did.



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