THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW, OR "TALK TO THE FIST... BITCH!"

     Good evening, bitches!  Oh, and welcome to another Pulitzer- worthy edition of Man Vs. Moron!  Let me start off by informing you that I'm more frustrated than a lesbian with a sprained tongue over the latest moron- related furor.  In case you haven't quit informing your Facebook friends with what color and texture your stupid baby's diaper chili was long enough to read anything useful or informative (as usual, babosos), let me spare you the effort and sum it up:  a couple of teenage tramps in Seattle (viciouspeach's much- missed former home) thought it was a spectacular idea to begin arguing with a police officer who had tried to cite them for jaywalking (he was stationed there at the request of the local school district to keep the adolescent assholes from wandering out into the busy street and becoming roadkill).  They then figured it would be an even better plan to ignore the citation, berate the officer, and then resist arrest.  And for the piece de resistance, the more obese of the two inner-city sweathogs decided to barge into the middle of the fracas, yank her delinquent comrade out from the officer's grip, and then assault him by grabbing his arm, and using her 300 lb. girth to shove the confounded constable.  Alone and hopelessly outweighed, and now with TWO bellowing heifers to contend with, the officer kept his cool and did NOT reach for his pistol, baton, pepper spray, or taser.  He instead reached back to Kansas and planted a fist square into one of the snarling sow's faces.  The bitch's head snapped back hard enough to induce whiplash, and both the rampaging she-rhinos were arrested and sent off to the pokey.  And that should have been that.
     Unfortunately, that wasn't the case at all.  A crowd of ghetto- fabulous street vermin gathered 'round the fracas, whipped out their pre-paid cellphones and began to snap photos and grainy film footage. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4r1o5WE-Go  The media got a hold of it and has started a national shitstorm over the incident...  because the hoodlums involved were black.  And regional and national black leaders have taken the bait quicker than if it had been made of chicken wings and hot sauce.
     Yes,  I went "there".  And now I'll take you "there".  Just because you have ancestors who washed dishes and picked cotton for free for some very rich white assholes doesn't give you a free pass to attack police officers and get your panties in a knot because you got caught doing something wrong.  You don't get to attack public servants, interfere in police business, and break laws just 'cuz your great-great-grandma was forced to dress like Aunt Jemima and get bitch-slapped for not knowin' nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies.  The true victims who are owed reparations and apologies have long since passed on.  What we have here are two dumb hos who received exactly what they should have received years ago from their parents (or baby-daddies by now).  What the hell did they suppose was gonna happen to them?  Show me a person of ANY race who has laid hands on a cop and I'll show you someone who has suffered either a severe beat- down or a blast of pepper-spray to their butt- fugly face.  These two teenage terrors got off far easier than they should have.
     Oh yeah, and a number of women's groups have jumped on the bandwagon.  Apparently having a clit flapping between your gelatinous thighs also gives you the right to push, shove, and otherwise attack men without fear of repercussions.  Well, I have a little news for you... it's 2010 and we're all about equality now.  If Queen Kong wants to brawl, let her take her lumps like everyone else.  I guarantee you now that she had the weave knocked clean off her skull she will most certainly think twice about presuming upon her having a snatch to take free swipes at an armed, on-duty policeman.  It will also hopefully teach her that not only is jaywalking illegal, but it is also even more criminal for a size 34 cow to attempt to squeeze into a hideous, hot- pink, size 6 nightmare that even a blind drag queen on meth wouldn't be caught dead wearing.  Oh yeah, and... MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS YOU EBONY ELEPHANT!!  Or are you too stupid to realize the guy who was originally being cited for jaywalking got away with it because your dumb ass gave the cop something bigger (and uglier) to deal with?  Hope he was worth it, you retarded slut.
     On a final note, I would like to categorically state that the officer in question should lose his badge and his job for what he did.  No, you nincompoops, not for slugging that stampeding livestock in the face... but for actually trying to hand out jaywalking citations to teenagers.  These illiterate imbeciles are the "future" of this country, and can in no way possibly bode well for the rest of us.  No, we must instead do whatever is possible to impede or even prevent the "future" from coming.  Giving jaywalking tickets to high-schoolers might teach these morons to use the crosswalks instead of randomly meandering into the path of fast- moving, oncoming traffic.  This will in turn increase their chances for survival to adulthood and prevents natural selection from weeding out the defective ones.  Smart kids already know to use the crosswalks; let the dumb ones go out and take their chance of getting turned into street pizza.  The officer in question is in fact endangering the safety of the general public by enabling more of these little criminals to survive long enough to do even worse damage to our society than they've already done; this is a crime so grave it makes you really wonder who truly deserves a fist to the face more.
     Anyway, I bid you adieu, my peons.  I will return next week to answer your letters and attempt to convince even one moron out there to commit ritual suicide.  If this sounds like something you're interested in doing, address your emails to "dear viciouspeach" at blowitoutyourassdouchebag@gmail.com.  Until then, if you happen to be driving along and notice teenagers loafing about on the streets, do the entire world a favor... step on the gas and turn your windshield wipers on.  The "future" gets a little brighter each time you do.

GIVE PEACE A CHANCE MY ASS!!!!

     No salutations this time,  my ass-breathed inferiors.  It is time to get right to the point.  I am madder than a homo with a hot date and hemorrhoids over this latest Mid-East stink that's got the world's collective underpants bunched so far up its ass that i can smell the resulting shit- stains even here in San Francisco.  And if you haven't been to this city, let me be the one to tell you that the smell of piss, cheap booze, pot, and homeless ass is strong enough to grow hair back on Mr. Clean's head.  Anyway, in case you haven't pulled your illiterate, underachieving, unmotivated carcasses away from your reality TV shows and stupid-ass Twitters long enough to pick up a newspaper, here's what I'm talking about:  a few days ago, some dipshit granola-munchers in Turkey (that's the name of a country you know-nothing slobs) thought it was a good idea to hop onto a leaky-assed raft (the media refers to it as a "flotilla") and try to sneak some peanut butter, blankets, and bags of concrete (delish!) into that Hellhole Gaza strip in defiance of a military blockade that Israel has imposed on the area, after Israel stated it would prevent these Dudley Do-Rights from even getting close.  BIG SURPRISE... the Israelis didn't exactly cooperate.  Unless, of course, by "cooperate" you mean "open up a can of Kosher whoop-ass and blast four or so of the near-defenseless douchebags to hell".  So now the world's Muslims are flapping their arms about like an Italian used car salesman and screaming bloody murder (actually, it was... poor word choice) over the incident, and using it as an excuse to push for jihad against Israel.  The Israelis, meanwhile, have pussed out completely, running selectively edited footage of the episode and trying to convince the world that a bunch of pencil-necked, tree-worshipping, anorexic vegan pacifists who could barely fight their way out of their dads' nutsacks and into their mom's cum-catchers viciously attacked an elite squad of highly trained Jewish commandos and therefore were killed in self-defense.  And these Yiddish yahoos think somebody will actually buy this ridiculous version of events.  Whatever.  Obviously they drank a bit too much Maneschewitz during Passover if they think they're fooling anybody.
     Now before you get the wrong idea, I don't give a rat's shaved ass about either the activists' fate or Israel's little international faux pas.  I'm just sick of hearing about the Middle East and all the troubles that originate from that Godforsaken area.  I am pissed because the end of the world might occur because a bunch of Hebrew halfwits and Arabic assholes are too stupid to quit fighting over the ugliest, most resource-starved, violent, barren, undesirable location on Earth.  Shit... if either side had any brains, they would give Unholy Land to the other side, get the hell as far away as possible, and laugh their asses off at the idiots stupid enough to actually want to live there.  So many gorgeous locations to fight over, and they have to go and nearly start World War III over a shitty strip of land which features such nice touches as a sea with more salt than water in it and a damn desert you can get lost for 40 years in.  And a pissed-off burning bush with a tendency to turn people into pillars of salt and cause worldwide flooding.
     But I digress; back to not caring about the activists. Hey, if you're moronic enough to paddle out to sea in a bathtub and a burqa and antagonize an armada of Jewish warships, you deserve whatever happens to you.  Go right on ahead... you think the Jews will go easy on you just 'cuz you don't bathe or eat meat?  For fuck's sake, THEY FUC*ING KILLED JESUS CHRIST you blithering idiots!  Who the Hell are YOU!?!?!?  If the Savior of all mankind wound up dangling off a crucifix, what the hell do you expect they'll do to a bunch of geeks trying to aid their sworn enemies?  Have fun "hanging around" Golgotha, you douche.  Anyone who has ever seen a family brawl at a barmitzvah or even accidentally short-changed a Jew knows better than that.  Crap, if you don't believe me throw a penny between two of them sometime and watch them fight to the death for it.  These people eat gefilte fish and matzah balls... ANYONE who can swallow that shit and not turn blue is somebody you don't really wanna mess with.
     And for the record I don't give a shit about the Muslims in Gaza or the West Bank or anywhere else for that matter.  News flash... you lost, you fig-eating towel-twisters!!  Palestine doesn't exist anymore and hasn't since 1948; GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON!!  Maybe if you spent more time taking care of each other and less time burning effigies and beheading civilians you wouldn't still be living in tents and taking dumps in  scorpion-infested sand dunes.  Maybe if you learned to bathe and wash that disgusting curry-and-ball-cheese odor from your bodies the Jews wouldn't mind standing downwind of you and might actually share the land.  I know, you just don't use the words "Jew" and "share" in the same sentence, but hey... miracles happen.  Especially in that part of the world, from what I understand.  But in all likelihood, don't bet on it.  Jews and Muslims are both retarded.  You would think two groups with so much in common would be natural allies.  They both claim descent from the same guy (Abraham), consider the same sites to be "holy", have an irrational fear of shaving, wear stupid-looking headgear, are afraid of the female body, and have the same imbecillic religious dietary restrictions.  Won't eat lobsters or pork chops, but they salivate over dried donkey balls and pickled cow tongues.  Gross.  All I'm saying is don't hold out much hope for people this oblivious to come to their senses.  Just pray we don't wind up vaporized in a nuclear blast just because of a tiff started on account of some moron hippies on a raft being used for target practice by some overly belligerent Hebrews.  I'm too young and hot to die.  Can't say i really care what happens to you.
     Till next time, peons. xoxo