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i am a megalomaniacal genius whose every attempt at world domination is foiled by the unintentional interference of the hordes of imbecilic morons i am surrounded by and forced to mingle with. i am exacting my revenge via my blog, where i shall accost, insult, expose and embarrass them by sharing their stupidity with the online world. oh, and i will give bad, misleading advice to the unfortunate souls who write in requesting my wisdom in an attempt to expedite their visit from the angel of death and thereby eliminate one more mentally bereft obstacle from my path. finally, i intend to use my blog to amass my own personal army of willing morons whom i can exploit and abuse for fun and profit. kind of like rush limbaugh, except i am brilliant, gorgeous, beloved, and not addicted to opiates or spareribs. *this is a disclaimer. the contents of this blog are for humor and entertainment only. if you are delicate or have no sense of humor... leave. and die.

Monday, June 7, 2010


     No salutations this time,  my ass-breathed inferiors.  It is time to get right to the point.  I am madder than a homo with a hot date and hemorrhoids over this latest Mid-East stink that's got the world's collective underpants bunched so far up its ass that i can smell the resulting shit- stains even here in San Francisco.  And if you haven't been to this city, let me be the one to tell you that the smell of piss, cheap booze, pot, and homeless ass is strong enough to grow hair back on Mr. Clean's head.  Anyway, in case you haven't pulled your illiterate, underachieving, unmotivated carcasses away from your reality TV shows and stupid-ass Twitters long enough to pick up a newspaper, here's what I'm talking about:  a few days ago, some dipshit granola-munchers in Turkey (that's the name of a country you know-nothing slobs) thought it was a good idea to hop onto a leaky-assed raft (the media refers to it as a "flotilla") and try to sneak some peanut butter, blankets, and bags of concrete (delish!) into that Hellhole Gaza strip in defiance of a military blockade that Israel has imposed on the area, after Israel stated it would prevent these Dudley Do-Rights from even getting close.  BIG SURPRISE... the Israelis didn't exactly cooperate.  Unless, of course, by "cooperate" you mean "open up a can of Kosher whoop-ass and blast four or so of the near-defenseless douchebags to hell".  So now the world's Muslims are flapping their arms about like an Italian used car salesman and screaming bloody murder (actually, it was... poor word choice) over the incident, and using it as an excuse to push for jihad against Israel.  The Israelis, meanwhile, have pussed out completely, running selectively edited footage of the episode and trying to convince the world that a bunch of pencil-necked, tree-worshipping, anorexic vegan pacifists who could barely fight their way out of their dads' nutsacks and into their mom's cum-catchers viciously attacked an elite squad of highly trained Jewish commandos and therefore were killed in self-defense.  And these Yiddish yahoos think somebody will actually buy this ridiculous version of events.  Whatever.  Obviously they drank a bit too much Maneschewitz during Passover if they think they're fooling anybody.
     Now before you get the wrong idea, I don't give a rat's shaved ass about either the activists' fate or Israel's little international faux pas.  I'm just sick of hearing about the Middle East and all the troubles that originate from that Godforsaken area.  I am pissed because the end of the world might occur because a bunch of Hebrew halfwits and Arabic assholes are too stupid to quit fighting over the ugliest, most resource-starved, violent, barren, undesirable location on Earth.  Shit... if either side had any brains, they would give Unholy Land to the other side, get the hell as far away as possible, and laugh their asses off at the idiots stupid enough to actually want to live there.  So many gorgeous locations to fight over, and they have to go and nearly start World War III over a shitty strip of land which features such nice touches as a sea with more salt than water in it and a damn desert you can get lost for 40 years in.  And a pissed-off burning bush with a tendency to turn people into pillars of salt and cause worldwide flooding.
     But I digress; back to not caring about the activists. Hey, if you're moronic enough to paddle out to sea in a bathtub and a burqa and antagonize an armada of Jewish warships, you deserve whatever happens to you.  Go right on ahead... you think the Jews will go easy on you just 'cuz you don't bathe or eat meat?  For fuck's sake, THEY FUC*ING KILLED JESUS CHRIST you blithering idiots!  Who the Hell are YOU!?!?!?  If the Savior of all mankind wound up dangling off a crucifix, what the hell do you expect they'll do to a bunch of geeks trying to aid their sworn enemies?  Have fun "hanging around" Golgotha, you douche.  Anyone who has ever seen a family brawl at a barmitzvah or even accidentally short-changed a Jew knows better than that.  Crap, if you don't believe me throw a penny between two of them sometime and watch them fight to the death for it.  These people eat gefilte fish and matzah balls... ANYONE who can swallow that shit and not turn blue is somebody you don't really wanna mess with.
     And for the record I don't give a shit about the Muslims in Gaza or the West Bank or anywhere else for that matter.  News flash... you lost, you fig-eating towel-twisters!!  Palestine doesn't exist anymore and hasn't since 1948; GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON!!  Maybe if you spent more time taking care of each other and less time burning effigies and beheading civilians you wouldn't still be living in tents and taking dumps in  scorpion-infested sand dunes.  Maybe if you learned to bathe and wash that disgusting curry-and-ball-cheese odor from your bodies the Jews wouldn't mind standing downwind of you and might actually share the land.  I know, you just don't use the words "Jew" and "share" in the same sentence, but hey... miracles happen.  Especially in that part of the world, from what I understand.  But in all likelihood, don't bet on it.  Jews and Muslims are both retarded.  You would think two groups with so much in common would be natural allies.  They both claim descent from the same guy (Abraham), consider the same sites to be "holy", have an irrational fear of shaving, wear stupid-looking headgear, are afraid of the female body, and have the same imbecillic religious dietary restrictions.  Won't eat lobsters or pork chops, but they salivate over dried donkey balls and pickled cow tongues.  Gross.  All I'm saying is don't hold out much hope for people this oblivious to come to their senses.  Just pray we don't wind up vaporized in a nuclear blast just because of a tiff started on account of some moron hippies on a raft being used for target practice by some overly belligerent Hebrews.  I'm too young and hot to die.  Can't say i really care what happens to you.
     Till next time, peons. xoxo

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