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i am a megalomaniacal genius whose every attempt at world domination is foiled by the unintentional interference of the hordes of imbecilic morons i am surrounded by and forced to mingle with. i am exacting my revenge via my blog, where i shall accost, insult, expose and embarrass them by sharing their stupidity with the online world. oh, and i will give bad, misleading advice to the unfortunate souls who write in requesting my wisdom in an attempt to expedite their visit from the angel of death and thereby eliminate one more mentally bereft obstacle from my path. finally, i intend to use my blog to amass my own personal army of willing morons whom i can exploit and abuse for fun and profit. kind of like rush limbaugh, except i am brilliant, gorgeous, beloved, and not addicted to opiates or spareribs. *this is a disclaimer. the contents of this blog are for humor and entertainment only. if you are delicate or have no sense of humor... leave. and die.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


     Salutations my drooling menials and unworthy underlings.  I am here again to enlighten and inform you and prevent you from regressing to the eat-your-own-trouser-chili stage of imbecilism that you will surely plunge headlong into without my merciful intellectual intervention.  Why I do it is still not clear.  I do not know you and would most likely think you smelled like butt and used Kotex if we did ever actually meet.  I guess my selflessness causes me to want to share my brilliance with the unfortunate morons who forgot to raise their hands when God asked who needed to have a brain handed out to them.  You're welcome.

     Speaking of handouts, it now time to dispense the very first Moron of the Month award (to an incredibly deserving recipient!) Put your hands together and clap it up for the winner, Arizona's very own Eva Braun... Governor Jan Brewer!  Congratulations, bitch!  You are the first nugget of shit who clung stubbornly enough to the toilet bowl of racist bigots to resist the tide of common sense that flushed your turd compatriots away sometime around 1865 (coincidentally the same year Satan rose from Hell's bowels long enough to pump an unholy sperm ball into a jackal with Down's Syndrome to conceive Ms. Brewer) and survive long enough to both accept this inaugural, prestigious prize AND have me personally tell you that I sincerely hope you get hit by a bus and dragged underneath its axles from Phoenix to Guadalajara, you selfish, racist, Nazi puta whose real problem is that you haven't been laid since Truman held office.  

     For those of you who may not know what Jan Brewer accomplished in order to become the first Moron of the Month, here's the scoop:  this post-menopausal maniac first signed into law an "anti-immigration" (read: anti-Latino) bill which in effect states that having brown skin in Arizona is just cause for police to suspect you of having committed a crime and therefore legally detain you, demand identification and proof of citizenship, and then arrest, imprison, and fine you $500 if you do not have both.  And before any neocon Republican cousin-humpers write in to dispute this, I have read EVERY LETTER of this xenophobic manifesto and thereby possess the gravitas and oomph to make that claim. "The new law will be applied fairly to all Arizonans, regardless of color" says the bleach-bottle-blonde Reichsmarchen of the American Southwest.  Sure.  And I bet the hair around your twat ISN'T grey and more bristly than steel wool, you jodida marana pendeja.  You know damned well the first White person to be asked for a green card is going to sue the Depends off this conniving cunt and hoist her by her sagging nipples from the tallest saguaro cactus in Arizona.  

     As if this outrage wasn't enough, Little Miss Menstrual followed that up by signing into law a bill that  eliminates ethnic studies in public schools because... they "cause resentment towards Caucasians by minorities" and "causes ethnic solidarity".  Whatever, skank.  Apparently Blacks being taught that "nigger" is not an appropriate form of address or that their ancestors did more for America than pick cotton and birth babies for Scarlet O'Hara will make them angry towards White people.  And telling Latinos that they have done more for America than pick fruit and clean bathrooms might make them feel...GASP!!!!... unashamed of having brown skin.  Yes, we can all see how telling minorities to stop killing each other and instead surpass the achievements of their forbearers could threaten the fair, prosperous, peaceful, broad-minded, honest, utopian state of affairs in America.  Listen again, bitch:  just because you douche with ammonia and Cheez-Whiz doesn't give you the right to abuse your gubernatorial authority and oppress Mexicans.  Just because you lost your virginity to a longhorn steer doesn't excuse the fact that you are using your office as a vehicle to promote racial tension and tear this country apart at the seams.  Just because you will assuredly win the vote for Sweetheart of the KKK Rodeo does not mean your sickening policies are just or correct.  While the smell of your rancid vagina is nauseating enough to make rats and houseflies turn blue and puke, you have no right to spread your gristly thighs apart and attempt to use the odor to repel immigrants from our borders.  And just because your Mexicali maid complained about having to scrape the layers of Velveeta off your crusty underpants doesn't give you carte blanche to contact the rotting souls of Strom Thurmond and Joseph Goebbels with your ouija board and follow their post-mortem proclamations.  And just because the Young Republicans (aka the Hitler Youth) and the Tea-Baggers are whistling "Dixie" and burning crosses in celebration of your actions, don't think you will get away with it for long.  Remember you do live in Arizona, you jism-gargling harlot.  That state is browning nicely and soon there will be a Latino majority there.  Your conservative henchmen will be hurled from office.  Your shameful legacy and racist policies will be voted down, stricken from the books, and buried with you in the "made in Mexico" coffin you will eventually be laid to rot in.  And as you look upward every Cinco de Mayo and 16 de Septiembre from the smoldering, sulphuric chasm in Hell you will be occupying eternally, I hope you can take some comfort in the joy and laughter that little, brown, Spanglish-speaking Latino children derive from smashing open piñatas with your Gorgonesque likeness plastered on them.  Felicidades, Señora Brewer.  You!  Are!  The!  Moron!  Of!  The!  Month!  Now go choke on a taco and burn in hell, you wrinkled, prune-like, saggy-boobed, hairy-chested, Hooked- on- Phonics reject, racist, club-footed streetwalking tramp.  And tell 'em Viciouspeach sent ya!

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