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i am a megalomaniacal genius whose every attempt at world domination is foiled by the unintentional interference of the hordes of imbecilic morons i am surrounded by and forced to mingle with. i am exacting my revenge via my blog, where i shall accost, insult, expose and embarrass them by sharing their stupidity with the online world. oh, and i will give bad, misleading advice to the unfortunate souls who write in requesting my wisdom in an attempt to expedite their visit from the angel of death and thereby eliminate one more mentally bereft obstacle from my path. finally, i intend to use my blog to amass my own personal army of willing morons whom i can exploit and abuse for fun and profit. kind of like rush limbaugh, except i am brilliant, gorgeous, beloved, and not addicted to opiates or spareribs. *this is a disclaimer. the contents of this blog are for humor and entertainment only. if you are delicate or have no sense of humor... leave. and die.

Thursday, June 17, 2010


     Good evening, bitches!  Oh, and welcome to another Pulitzer- worthy edition of Man Vs. Moron!  Let me start off by informing you that I'm more frustrated than a lesbian with a sprained tongue over the latest moron- related furor.  In case you haven't quit informing your Facebook friends with what color and texture your stupid baby's diaper chili was long enough to read anything useful or informative (as usual, babosos), let me spare you the effort and sum it up:  a couple of teenage tramps in Seattle (viciouspeach's much- missed former home) thought it was a spectacular idea to begin arguing with a police officer who had tried to cite them for jaywalking (he was stationed there at the request of the local school district to keep the adolescent assholes from wandering out into the busy street and becoming roadkill).  They then figured it would be an even better plan to ignore the citation, berate the officer, and then resist arrest.  And for the piece de resistance, the more obese of the two inner-city sweathogs decided to barge into the middle of the fracas, yank her delinquent comrade out from the officer's grip, and then assault him by grabbing his arm, and using her 300 lb. girth to shove the confounded constable.  Alone and hopelessly outweighed, and now with TWO bellowing heifers to contend with, the officer kept his cool and did NOT reach for his pistol, baton, pepper spray, or taser.  He instead reached back to Kansas and planted a fist square into one of the snarling sow's faces.  The bitch's head snapped back hard enough to induce whiplash, and both the rampaging she-rhinos were arrested and sent off to the pokey.  And that should have been that.
     Unfortunately, that wasn't the case at all.  A crowd of ghetto- fabulous street vermin gathered 'round the fracas, whipped out their pre-paid cellphones and began to snap photos and grainy film footage.  The media got a hold of it and has started a national shitstorm over the incident...  because the hoodlums involved were black.  And regional and national black leaders have taken the bait quicker than if it had been made of chicken wings and hot sauce.
     Yes,  I went "there".  And now I'll take you "there".  Just because you have ancestors who washed dishes and picked cotton for free for some very rich white assholes doesn't give you a free pass to attack police officers and get your panties in a knot because you got caught doing something wrong.  You don't get to attack public servants, interfere in police business, and break laws just 'cuz your great-great-grandma was forced to dress like Aunt Jemima and get bitch-slapped for not knowin' nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies.  The true victims who are owed reparations and apologies have long since passed on.  What we have here are two dumb hos who received exactly what they should have received years ago from their parents (or baby-daddies by now).  What the hell did they suppose was gonna happen to them?  Show me a person of ANY race who has laid hands on a cop and I'll show you someone who has suffered either a severe beat- down or a blast of pepper-spray to their butt- fugly face.  These two teenage terrors got off far easier than they should have.
     Oh yeah, and a number of women's groups have jumped on the bandwagon.  Apparently having a clit flapping between your gelatinous thighs also gives you the right to push, shove, and otherwise attack men without fear of repercussions.  Well, I have a little news for you... it's 2010 and we're all about equality now.  If Queen Kong wants to brawl, let her take her lumps like everyone else.  I guarantee you now that she had the weave knocked clean off her skull she will most certainly think twice about presuming upon her having a snatch to take free swipes at an armed, on-duty policeman.  It will also hopefully teach her that not only is jaywalking illegal, but it is also even more criminal for a size 34 cow to attempt to squeeze into a hideous, hot- pink, size 6 nightmare that even a blind drag queen on meth wouldn't be caught dead wearing.  Oh yeah, and... MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS YOU EBONY ELEPHANT!!  Or are you too stupid to realize the guy who was originally being cited for jaywalking got away with it because your dumb ass gave the cop something bigger (and uglier) to deal with?  Hope he was worth it, you retarded slut.
     On a final note, I would like to categorically state that the officer in question should lose his badge and his job for what he did.  No, you nincompoops, not for slugging that stampeding livestock in the face... but for actually trying to hand out jaywalking citations to teenagers.  These illiterate imbeciles are the "future" of this country, and can in no way possibly bode well for the rest of us.  No, we must instead do whatever is possible to impede or even prevent the "future" from coming.  Giving jaywalking tickets to high-schoolers might teach these morons to use the crosswalks instead of randomly meandering into the path of fast- moving, oncoming traffic.  This will in turn increase their chances for survival to adulthood and prevents natural selection from weeding out the defective ones.  Smart kids already know to use the crosswalks; let the dumb ones go out and take their chance of getting turned into street pizza.  The officer in question is in fact endangering the safety of the general public by enabling more of these little criminals to survive long enough to do even worse damage to our society than they've already done; this is a crime so grave it makes you really wonder who truly deserves a fist to the face more.
     Anyway, I bid you adieu, my peons.  I will return next week to answer your letters and attempt to convince even one moron out there to commit ritual suicide.  If this sounds like something you're interested in doing, address your emails to "dear viciouspeach" at  Until then, if you happen to be driving along and notice teenagers loafing about on the streets, do the entire world a favor... step on the gas and turn your windshield wipers on.  The "future" gets a little brighter each time you do.

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